Meow and claws

A cat writes to her manager, who’s being managed by Musk

Dear manager, it has come to my attention that you have requested a list of five things I did during the past week. I comply with this request under protest, as I have an extremely busy schedule, and in writing this list, I am taking time away from my other essential duties.

I am employed full-time as a domestic companion to an adult human male, whose name I cannot be bothered to learn. Last week, I performed the following tasks pursuant to my job:

Made sure the human was awake at 6am | The human has a tendency to sleep late, thereby missing the best hours for hunting delicious prey. Therefore, each morning this week I awakened the human at 6am sharp, initially by meowing and, if necessary, by employing my claws.

Napped | To perform my other duties, I must be well-rested. Therefore, on each day this week I took multiple naps. I slept on surfaces such as the couch, the cardboard box, the other cardboard box, and the human’s lap (not, of course, the cat bed).

Scratched the furniture | My claws are in need of regular sharpening so that I can use them for defensive purposes, but the human has not provided me with a fresh scratching post in some months. Therefore I used the aforementioned couch and other pieces of furniture to keep my claws sharp. This also improved the appearance of the furniture.

Attacked the human | My human is regrettably unaware of his surroundings and unskilled at defending himself. To train my human’s self-preservation skills, I used my claws and fangs to attempt to murder him. In doing so, I also improved his mood by distracting him from his boring tasks.

Napped | Because I was exhausted after performing the four previous tasks, I was required to take additional naps.

In addition to the above, I also provided emotional support to the human by purring and by permitting him to stroke my luxuriant fur. Furthermore, I performed all the above tasks despite being in a constant state of starvation, as the human does not feed me enough.
You will appreciate that my services are essential to the proper functioning of this organisation, and that my working time was spent productively. Due to the stress caused by writing this letter, I will now be required to take an additional nap.
Sincerely, Cat.

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